Kindergarten. The first place where
someone outside of our family-unit attempts to program us. The first
place a professional programmer gets inside our brain.
Not all 'teachers' are the same. Some teach skills, some teach life lessons, some just teach obedience. I've had all sorts in my short lived career as a professional student. I do not remember the name of the first person who tried to teach blind obedience to me but I'll forever remember the moment when I realized it was all a lie.
See there was this fish tank. I liked the fish tank, it was an entire microcosm of the sea. Living creatures, plants, water, sun, earth, and air. The air especially interested me. It bubbled up from the bottom and my young brain was already beginning to work as an engineer so I quickly found the hose that fed air under the rocks and to test my hypothesis I squeezed the hose.
The bubbles stopped.
I released the hose, the bubbles started again.
I squeezed the hose a second time and again the bubbles stopped confirming my hypothesis that the hose was involved in the creation of the bubbles.
Now I should note that all this was before class began. Maybe half the children in the class were already there. I remember one child standing with me next to the fish tank likewise enthralled by the near magickal control over the element of air this piece of rubber hose held.
Enter the teacher. I'm not sure if I heard the teacher enter the room, I feel like I must have. However since class had not yet started and it was typical for the children to roam about the room until the bell rang I simply continued being enraptured by the connection between the hose and the bubbles. Squeeze the hose bubbles stop, release and they start again. Squeeze the hose and...
The left side of my head exploded in pain as the teacher grabbed me by the ear and yanked me away from the tank. Instantly my entire world was centered on the pain and the screaming adult in front of me.
“What do you think you're doing?” was yelled at me. I did not yet understand what a rhetorical question was so I was a little distraught when I was given no chance to answer the apparent question. The teacher continued with “Why are you trying to kill the fish?” again no chance for a reply was given to what had appeared to be a question.
At this point I became aware that the entire class was watching the two of us. The imprint was meant not just for me but for the entirety of the classroom. I was sure the teacher wanted us to learn something but I wasn't sure what it could be. I wasn't trying to hurt the fish, I certainly wasn't trying to kill them. I had been very careful not to release the hose while any fish were right in the path of the bubbles unlike the teacher who did not seem to mind causing pain, both as she had pulled me away from the tank by my ear and now as she practically threw me at my table area.
I'm sure I must have been a poor student that day as my mind raced with questions like 'why did she think I was trying to hurt the fish?' and 'what did I do wrong' leaving no room to pay attention during the rest of the class. This started a long tradition of me internalizing things to an extent that would often make it appear as if I was less attentive than I could be. I was very attentive but it was only to those things that I thought were really important and the lessons of the day were of much less importance to me than figuring out why I had been both physically injured and been singled out for a reprimand in front of my peers.
By the end of the class I had if figured out. The teacher did not care to know the answers to the 'questions' she asked me, that much was easy to discover as she never gave me time to answer. So my mind decided that she must already know the answers. Of course the answer to the first question was “trying to figure out how this works” and the second was “I'm not, I like the fish.” Since she must (as an adult and a teacher no less, the keepers of all knowledge) know the answers than then lesson must be something else.
Don't investigate on your own. Don't teach yourself. That had to be what she was trying to teach the class.
This was the first moment when I learned to not blindly trust adults.
This was the first moment I remember noticing irrational behavior. Her actions made no sense to me and I truly had to ponder the situation to try and decipher the meanings behind the actions.
This was the first time I questioned authority. I knew what I was doing and she did not.
This was the first time I realized that if you really wanted to learn you had to do it on your own because the people sent to teach us were there to keep us in line and only following the paths of learning we were approved to follow. Real learning, unadulterated learning, could only be had by teaching yourself.
That was the day I fell out of love with school. That day opened my mind to distrust and made me aware of misunderstandings. I knew from that day on that I would quest for knowledge and that the hidden lessons held more for me than the school sanctioned ones.
I thank that nameless teacher. She may have been one of the worst teachers I ever had but only by having so horrid was I able to learn these lessons. I had been woken up from the dream by pain and humiliation and in the new awake world I knew I now existed in I must be careful as somethings we learn we must never let those in authority over us know we have learned or there will be repercussions.
My true programming had begun.
Not all 'teachers' are the same. Some teach skills, some teach life lessons, some just teach obedience. I've had all sorts in my short lived career as a professional student. I do not remember the name of the first person who tried to teach blind obedience to me but I'll forever remember the moment when I realized it was all a lie.
See there was this fish tank. I liked the fish tank, it was an entire microcosm of the sea. Living creatures, plants, water, sun, earth, and air. The air especially interested me. It bubbled up from the bottom and my young brain was already beginning to work as an engineer so I quickly found the hose that fed air under the rocks and to test my hypothesis I squeezed the hose.
The bubbles stopped.
I released the hose, the bubbles started again.
I squeezed the hose a second time and again the bubbles stopped confirming my hypothesis that the hose was involved in the creation of the bubbles.
Now I should note that all this was before class began. Maybe half the children in the class were already there. I remember one child standing with me next to the fish tank likewise enthralled by the near magickal control over the element of air this piece of rubber hose held.
Enter the teacher. I'm not sure if I heard the teacher enter the room, I feel like I must have. However since class had not yet started and it was typical for the children to roam about the room until the bell rang I simply continued being enraptured by the connection between the hose and the bubbles. Squeeze the hose bubbles stop, release and they start again. Squeeze the hose and...
The left side of my head exploded in pain as the teacher grabbed me by the ear and yanked me away from the tank. Instantly my entire world was centered on the pain and the screaming adult in front of me.
“What do you think you're doing?” was yelled at me. I did not yet understand what a rhetorical question was so I was a little distraught when I was given no chance to answer the apparent question. The teacher continued with “Why are you trying to kill the fish?” again no chance for a reply was given to what had appeared to be a question.
At this point I became aware that the entire class was watching the two of us. The imprint was meant not just for me but for the entirety of the classroom. I was sure the teacher wanted us to learn something but I wasn't sure what it could be. I wasn't trying to hurt the fish, I certainly wasn't trying to kill them. I had been very careful not to release the hose while any fish were right in the path of the bubbles unlike the teacher who did not seem to mind causing pain, both as she had pulled me away from the tank by my ear and now as she practically threw me at my table area.
I'm sure I must have been a poor student that day as my mind raced with questions like 'why did she think I was trying to hurt the fish?' and 'what did I do wrong' leaving no room to pay attention during the rest of the class. This started a long tradition of me internalizing things to an extent that would often make it appear as if I was less attentive than I could be. I was very attentive but it was only to those things that I thought were really important and the lessons of the day were of much less importance to me than figuring out why I had been both physically injured and been singled out for a reprimand in front of my peers.
By the end of the class I had if figured out. The teacher did not care to know the answers to the 'questions' she asked me, that much was easy to discover as she never gave me time to answer. So my mind decided that she must already know the answers. Of course the answer to the first question was “trying to figure out how this works” and the second was “I'm not, I like the fish.” Since she must (as an adult and a teacher no less, the keepers of all knowledge) know the answers than then lesson must be something else.
Don't investigate on your own. Don't teach yourself. That had to be what she was trying to teach the class.
This was the first moment when I learned to not blindly trust adults.
This was the first moment I remember noticing irrational behavior. Her actions made no sense to me and I truly had to ponder the situation to try and decipher the meanings behind the actions.
This was the first time I questioned authority. I knew what I was doing and she did not.
This was the first time I realized that if you really wanted to learn you had to do it on your own because the people sent to teach us were there to keep us in line and only following the paths of learning we were approved to follow. Real learning, unadulterated learning, could only be had by teaching yourself.
That was the day I fell out of love with school. That day opened my mind to distrust and made me aware of misunderstandings. I knew from that day on that I would quest for knowledge and that the hidden lessons held more for me than the school sanctioned ones.
I thank that nameless teacher. She may have been one of the worst teachers I ever had but only by having so horrid was I able to learn these lessons. I had been woken up from the dream by pain and humiliation and in the new awake world I knew I now existed in I must be careful as somethings we learn we must never let those in authority over us know we have learned or there will be repercussions.
My true programming had begun.
No comments:
Post a Comment